You're probably wondering what the title for this blog post means. Let me begin by sharing one of my many stories of an interaction that I'd like a "do over" with my son Isaiah. And let me preface by saying that he is a good kid when he doesn't have those "what I like to call moments". I'm continuing to potty train my son and it has been, to say the least, an exhausting experience for both of us. I won't share the nitty gritty of this potty training ( let's just say he can go #1, but #2 is what we're working on), but there was a day when I told him firmly and, yes, angrily to go to the bathroom to potty since it was seriously an issue of him not voluntarily doing it that day. He listened and walked to the bathroom whining, and then eventually sitting on the toilet yelling/crying (tantrums basically). That day, I've had enough and decided that I was going to close the bathroom door so I don't have to listen to him ranting and I can keep composure. I then went back to the room and watched my son Jude work on his puzzles (breathing in and out of course to regain my cool). My husband who happens to work from home that day goes to the bathroom and tells him to stop yelling. And he stopped with just crying the only sounds I'm now hearing from him. My husband then proceeds to tell me that I should not let him yell like that. Peeved that he would think I would allow the yelling and oblivious to what I was dealing with the whole morning that led to that "moment", I also realized that he just responded to what he saw and assumed to be the case. Perception is reality as they say. I wasn't intending to allow my son to respond that way or emotions to get the best of me, but I did that day (and admittedly there have been other days).
Let me now bring this back to the topic of this blog post: BOUNDARIES. That day I felt my boundaries being tested, and I just had to step back for five minutes to regain my composure before I do something I regret (like yelling and disciplining in anger). And Isaiah, like many young children, is still trying to figure it all out acting as a little Napoleon but in reality looking for guidance from me, the parent. I have been and continue to read this book titled Boundaries with Kids and it's been a good resource for me. The story that I shared is the present situation, but the author reminds us to think about the "end result" when they become adults. What kind of character do we want our children to have? Children aren't born with boundaries. We are seen as guardians, managers, and a source for our children and need to not only teach them through dialoging/communication, but also being an example of what that looks like. It begins with knowing my own healthy boundaries. All these things easily said and done for some people, but for me prayer accompanies these efforts I make to helping my sons have healthy boundaries. And, of course, working with my husband to accomplish this. Many times I've felt so discouraged, but I'm reminded that God's mercies are new every morning and to persevere in working towards the "end result". I know that God doesn't want us to remain in our guilt for whatever we feel our failures to be with our children, but rather he wants us to come to Him in our weakness and be empowered that we are not alone in this journey of parenting.
Now getting back to the title of this blog post : Freedom = Responsibility = Consequences = Love. Below is a quote directly from the book explaining this basic theological truth as the author calls it.
To the extent that all these are equal (Freedom, Responsibility, Consequences, Love), we (parents) are doing well. If our child is free to choose and held responsible for the consequences of his actions, we will develop a loving person who is doing the right thing for the right reasons. If any one of these is out of balance-for example, more freedom granted than someone is held responsible for- then character problems grow. Or if someone is responsible but is not free to choose, she is a slave and a robot, and she will not choose lovingly, but only out of compliance and resentment. Or if someone is free and responsible for something but does not suffer consequences of his misusing his freedom, then he develops character problems and ends up doing very irresponsible and unloving things. A child has small amounts of freedom, choices in that freedom, and consequences in those choices, and develops love as a result. And it is no different for an adult. Give freedom, require responsibility, render consequences, and be loving throughout.
We do reap what we sow, so how do we help our children become mature adults who take responsibility for their life, desires, and problems? The author states that we set boundaries through the aspects of life they need to take responsibility for: their emotions, attitudes and behavior. And that "children need to understand that being unable differs from being uncomfortable". We need to teach them by words and modeling what we are responsible for and what we need the help of others on. And as parents, we need to distinguish loving them and rescuing them. Loving our children will sometimes mean letting them experience the consequences (unless it's posing danger, of course) . My tendency is to rescue my sons constantly so this is a hard one for me. Again I go back to prayer for areas I need help with in raising my sons. At the end of every discipline, I talk to my boys about the reason for the consequences of their behavior (I ask them and if they don't know then I tell them), affirm my love for them by words and a kiss/hug, and I remind them of God's promise that their obedience to me and their daddy will only go well for them in their life.
Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, “so you will live well and have a long life.”
Ephesians 6:1 (MSG)
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